Searching for "How to be happy" on YouTube changed my entire life...
I found Evan Carmichael. Then through his channel I found Tom Bilyeu. He did an interview with Mel Robbins and I was blown away. Then I found Tom's wife, Lisa. Who at the time wasn't doing Women of Impact but they were doing Relationship Theory podcast and I just adored her. I loved their relationship. I wanted a relationship like theirs. I thought I had that. They were married like 15 years at that time and I thought, hey I've been with him almost that amount of time, why aren't we like them?
I listened to 'Relationship Theory' until I ran out of episodes.
Then I went back to Evan's channel and watched all the top 10's I could get my hands on. I started commenting and became a part of #believenation. I met some great people in the comment section of his videos and same with Tom's. He would go live once a week and I was always there watching. I met some super cool people in the comments that I am still friends with. It's been so exciting to see their transformation.
So I spent months watching their content ALL DAY LONG. If I was driving, working (I was doing marketing for an organic restaurant at the time) or sleeping or eating...I was listening or watching their content.
One day my daughter had the opportunity to go to NYC for a summer class. My son and I went with her. We spent a glorious week in the city and fell deeply in love with New York. I had always loved it there and wanted to live there most of my life. I feel more comfortable in the city and I'm from a tiny, conservative town in Florida. In case you couldn't tell by my tale, I'm NOT conservative LOL!
So I planned a vacation here to the NYC. I brought my ex, and our kids and the 4 of us fell in love. Ok not really lol. My son and I fell harder and my ex and our daughter were like...eh....it's ok.
But my son and I are relentless. We hounded them!
Watching all of that amazing content I was still watching (I had added Eric Thomas, Lewis Howes and Brendan Buchard to the list) and it made me more confident. It made me take baby steps towards the things I wanted.
My son wanted to move to dance professionally on Broadway and attend La Guardia High School one day. I wanted to move here to chase my dreams. What they were I wasn't sure yet. But I KNEW I had to be here.
In September 2017 we packed up all our stuff and drove 17 hours, with a very annoying dog, and all of our crap and moved to Brooklyn. We had a great apartment in the ghetto but I didn't care! I was in NYC! My ex found a good job and things were going well. I was getting up at 5 am to walk and to start something.
What was I starting? Art. Paint. Card making. Crafts. Stencils. Yeah all of it. I wasn't clear on what I wanted and that was reflected in my art. It was scattered and a mess.
I decided to make videos on YouTube. I made 9 of them.
Then I met J-Ryze and my entire life exploded. In a very good way.
I was really depressed and I was about to wash dishes. I had already become friends with RJ (@theshoolofrockstars) and she was putting up interviews with people that I knew and some I didn't know that well, on YouTube. A notification came up that she posted a new video. I clicked on it and started doing dishes. I was angry and sad that I wasn't able to do shit with my life. I remember seeing J's face on the intro of the video and thinking "who the fuck is this guy?"
Then I realized it was Evan's friend and advisor that I had heard him mention on a few of his videos. I had followed him on Instagram but hadn't paid him much attention. He liked to post pics of girls that I was jealous of and hated. I would sometimes double click if it wasn't too annoying to me or I would skip it if it was. I remember thinking..."why is she interviewing him?"
And then he started telling his story and I had to turn off the water to pay attention. I stood there at the sink for the length of the interview, mesmerized by what he was saying. He was talking about how he had changed his beliefs and how anyone could do it. He had started his business while he was homeless and had successfully come back from his rock bottom. It wasn't drugs but it wasn't much different. He hated himself in different ways. He was judgmental, arrogant and thought he was better than everyone. Life showed him better and he had learned his lesson. He was sharing that with people to help them and make them better.
And then I felt the switch flip.
In my life every time I've ever made a change, I feel a switch in my head flip. It's basically when I make a decision to change. and I felt the switch flip in that moment. I knew he was right. Everything he had said in the interview was right, pure and true.
I sat down and opened Instagram and scrolled down past 500 or so old posts and started at the very first one. I read them all. It took me two days. I read every single word he wrote. Then I went to his YouTube and watched every video I could get my hands on. Then I went to his website and read everything there. This was before he made his 'Cool Stuff' page. I watched all the amazing videos and content he had there. He made some tremendously kick ass music videos that I promptly downloaded. Then I attempted to sign up for his newsletter. I tried with 5 different email addresses. I couldn't get it to work. I still didn't know enough about the Law of Attraction or the Universe to see it as a sign but it was. I was supposed to reach out to him. The Universe was giving me a huge push to talk to him and I avoided it for days.
Why? I was afraid. He made me nervous. He intimidated me. I wasn't the only one. His wisdom made him intimidating to people who didn't know him.
It turns out that he's warm, funny, smart, kind, generous, loving and incredibly giving. He truly wants to help people ryze. And he can. OMG can he help you ryze.
We exchanged a bunch of emails and I asked like 1,738,000 questions, LOL! And he patiently answered every single one.
I have no idea why he kept talking to me. I know I was kind of annoying. But he never made me feel like it. He sent me links, he gave me advice and he helped me ryze.
One day I said..."I hate my art and my IG. And he offered to call me to help me out. He talked to me while I sat at Starbucks, not knowing what to expect, and he blew me away. I've never spoken to ANYONE who provided so much value, clarity and love in one conversation.
And I provided tears and half sentences...literally.
He patiently listened to me and helped me. He showed me, in that one phone call, that my beliefs were fucked up. That I hated myself but I was worthy. I could change and I didn't have to wait or take baby steps anymore. I could take huge leaps and change, today.
And I did.
At the time we met I was taking mild painkillers for Rheumatoid Arthritis, and muscle relaxers for the Fibromyalgia. The meds were not the same as what I was taking years ago and I was under a professional doctor's care who tested my urine every month and made sure I stayed clean from street drugs and used my prescription as was prescribed. But so what? My body was still dependent on the medicine. I was convinced I was in pain.
Then I saw J's health video. It's two hours long but worth every second.
When I was done watching it, I stood up and took the medicine out of my purse and I dumped them down the toilet and flushed them away. All of them. I kicked drugs for the second time. The doctor said they weren't addictive but tell that to my body. My body was used to them every day for years. They were like vitamins to me. I didn't get high from them but I felt that they were helping me. I was wrong.
It took me two weeks to feel like normal, like myself...like the self I always wanted to feel like. Not the self that hated herself. But the self that felt happy, clean and ready to take on the world. The self that felt ready to change and create and help people. I was finally free of all the chemicals in my life and I realized even though I was finding my happiness, the people around me were not happy about it.
My marriage, which had been strained for YEARS fell apart. I asked for a divorce. I was tired of being someone's second thought. I was tired of accepting crumbs and calling it love. I realized I needed two important things from my relationship that were non-negotiable; attention and affection.
My ex couldn't give me that. He tried. It didn't happen. We've been apart since November 2018.
It would have been easy to stay in a 15 year marriage. I was provided for financially, he did whatever I said, we went wherever I wanted and I bought whatever I felt like. I ran the show. But I didn't have those two things. The same two things that I had been chasing when I let boys touch me in the dark and then hide me away from the rest of the world. It was what I had been chasing every time I put a needle in my arm. It was what I had been chasing every time I moved to a different country or state.
Finally, because of J, I realized it. I realized how important those two things were to me as a human being and I realized that I DESERVED IT. So even though I didn't have it, I still deserved to have it. I was worthy. I was enough. I AM Enough.
It took me a long ass time to get here. And a long ass blog post too, lol!
but the point is...I got here. It didn't have to take me all this time but it was supposed to. I had to go through that whole mess to find out that I am awesome. That I am beautiful, sexy, funny, smart, kind, helpful and I LOVE MYSELF.
It's not vanity. It's not arrogance. It's just a fact. I look at myself in the mirror every single day and I tell myself...
"You are beautiful."
"You are deserving of your desires and dreams."
"You are worthy."
"You are valuable."
"You are enough."
"I love you."
and sometimes I say that a bunch of times and it always makes me laugh because I will make faces and say "I love you just the way you are".
I now treat myself better than my best friend. I treat myself better than my lover. I treat myself like a priority. I treat myself like the queen I know I am.
Since finding out that I'm pretty fucking cool and beautiful, I've become a better mother, daughter, lover, friend and artist.
So why am I writing all of this?
For YOU! yeah You. I want you to know that you're not alone. I could have said that in one sentence but would you have believed me? Would you see the me who I was if I just said
...."You're not alone and I understand your pain"?
No you wouldn't. Now you do. I've laid myself bare for you and now you know that if this person who hated herself so much over the course of the last shitload of years, can turn her life around and find out how awesome she is, then so can you.
I changed my appearance, my health, my body, my style, my attitude, my weight, my home, my business, my clothes, my art, my hair, my skin, and most importantly, my beliefs.
And so can you. J-Ryze helped me in a way no one else could. He told me the same things that Evan, Tom, Lisa, Eric, Brendan and Lewis had all told me but the difference was in the way he delivered it. The difference was that he cared about me and he really wanted to see me ryze. He can truly ryze anything and anyone. You want a better body? A better life? A better business? He can help you change all of it. You just have to want it more than you want to breathe.
Thank You, Dr. Banner...J-Ryze...I'm forever grateful to You and for all of Your help. Today and Siempre. ~Love cyn~